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The Weakness in Me

Robinson's death has hit me hard. Also, the general feeling of doglessness. I haven't been without a dog, except for when on holiday, for eighteen years. And only for brief periods in my whole life. And maybe I'm at the best of times a bit lonely, and a dog is a comforting Presence in one's life, even when it is old and infirm and sleeping most of the time.

So I did something a bit foolish. Yesterday, I went on the SPCA website, and there was a 4-month old pointer-terrier cross puppy who looked out at me and I kind of fell in love with. I stomped around yesterday and thought "no, it's too soon..." but this morning I thought, "ok, if it's still there..." and went down to see her. There was a couple ahead of me, but they decided against her. So I filled in my application. And the SPCA turned me down. For all the right reasons. This puppy has already had three homes and is already showing signs of separation anxiety. They want someone for her who ideally has another dog, and maybe in a family where someone will be home a lot. Also they were worried about my two cats, because this dog isn't proven to get along with cats. You know, and I know, that she probably would have been fine, and probably would have been a great fit. But they didn't know that, and I don't blame them. And as I told them, it's probably too soon anyway. But of course when I told them that I'd just lost another dog, I started crying. So I felt embarrassed for myself on top of everything else.

And now I feel even more bereft than I did before, because I'd realized how badly I want this hole in my heart to be filled, and how empty I feel now.

Comments

( 15 comments — Leave a comment )
gair
Feb. 13th, 2012 04:00 am (UTC)
I haven't said it before, but I'm so sorry to hear about Robinson's death, and I wish you all the best in the long hard process of dealing with it.

In the great scheme of 'stupid things people do while grieving', this sounds like it was barely stupid at all. I'm sorry it hit you with a (nother) realization of the depth of your grief, though, because that really hurts.
intertext
Feb. 13th, 2012 04:34 am (UTC)
Thank you - that really means a lot.
sartorias
Feb. 13th, 2012 04:58 am (UTC)
There is nothing stupid about your reaction. I am glad that those people are looking out for this little dog. And somewhere is a homeless dog who needs you and your home.
pickledginger
Feb. 13th, 2012 05:43 am (UTC)
Yes, exactly. (And I love the idea of visiting counselor dogs.) Though I'm sure your cats could raise a puppy to know its proper place in the world.
intertext
Feb. 13th, 2012 04:38 pm (UTC)
thank you.
asakiyume
Feb. 13th, 2012 05:02 am (UTC)
Aww, I hope they had the kindness and warmth to at least give you a hug in your sadness.

There ought to be comforter dogs, who come to keep a person company, grief counsellor dogs.

("The Weakness in Me" is my favorite Joan Armatrading song, but I think we've talked about that before...)
intertext
Feb. 13th, 2012 04:36 pm (UTC)
Grief counsellor dogs - great idea :)
heleninwales
Feb. 13th, 2012 11:17 am (UTC)
I'm sure there is a dog is out there that will be just right for you and you will be exactly the right person for him/her. I'm sorry it wasn't the puppy you went to see, but perhaps now they've met you and know what you can offer, the SPCA people might be able to find you a better match.
intertext
Feb. 13th, 2012 04:38 pm (UTC)
yes. Really, if I can stand to wait that long, I'd like another beardie. But I also like the idea of adopting. I do want a puppy, though, as I don't really want to spend a lifetime with a dog inheriting someone else's mistakes.
a_d_medievalist
Feb. 13th, 2012 01:06 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry -- I missed the Robinson post. It's so hard, I know. And they probably now know even more that you are a good person who will be a good fit for a dog, when the time is right.
intertext
Feb. 13th, 2012 04:36 pm (UTC)
thank you
gillo
Feb. 13th, 2012 01:09 pm (UTC)
My dear, it's so very hard for you. {{{hugs}}}

I think your first instinct, to wait a little, was probably right; you are still dealing with inevitable grief and you need to work through it. You have had so much loss to deal with in recent years, so it's not surprising that a panicky bit of you yearns to clutch at some companionship of the sort cats don't really offer, but it's not quite time yet.

Why not take a weekend away somewhere pretty? Fresh surroundings can help heal even deep wounds.

{{{hugs}}} again.
intertext
Feb. 13th, 2012 04:35 pm (UTC)
Thank you (hugs back). Your idea about the weekend away is a good one. And who knows, now I am freer, I might be planning a trip abroad...
mamculuna
Feb. 13th, 2012 08:50 pm (UTC)
Oh, I know that is really hard. But the right dog will come, I feel sure.

So hard to wait, to be alone, when you know the right one is somewhere in the world, but just not with you, yet.
intertext
Feb. 14th, 2012 03:51 am (UTC)
Yes. Thank you :)
( 15 comments — Leave a comment )

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