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I'm beginning to feel a little more normal. At least, I can tell people about Cholmondeley without bursting into tears. There's still a bit gaping hole where he used to be, though.

His photo made Explore on Flickr. That's a nice thing.

This week, I managed to function in classes. Tuesday, I felt a bit of strain, but today things went well. I felt the group was on My Side, which is always nice. Online courses seem to be going gangbusters, so that's good as well.

I wish I didn't have to go to a dept meeting tomorrow. I think it might be not fun, but I will try very hard to float above it, and not get involved in the politics of it and escape unscathed. That would be the desirable outcome, anyway - to be unscathed.

Oh, and my Paris photo was chosen for the guidebook. I'd quite given up, then I got an email from them a day or two ago. So, yay.

And, lidocafe - you know I'm thinking about you and hoping that all will be well for you soon.


( 14 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 18th, 2008 06:50 am (UTC)
I only had Lady three and half years and I still occasionally burst into tears when someone mentions her. Don't be too hard on yourself. You've lost a very dear family member. If the other person doesn't understand, it's because their life hasn't been enriched by the kind of relationship you've had with your boys.

Congrats on the Paris picture! That's just fabulous :-)
Jan. 18th, 2008 11:54 am (UTC)
Thanks :) Yes, I'm pretty chuffed about the photo.

Actually, people have mostly been very understanding and kind. I'm more likely to be unmanned now by great sympathy from someone I'm close to - at least I don't dissolve into tears when a complete stranger asks "where's your other dog?"
Jan. 18th, 2008 09:30 am (UTC)
My cat was hit by a car almost 12 years ago (she was an indoor cat who forced open a screen to have a grand adventure), and though the grief is more muted, it is always present. When I'm inclined to tell myself that I'm being unreasonable about it, my instincts flare up - underneath my social conditioning about appropriate grieving timetables, etc lies a passionate belief that grief is not a bad thing. We grieve because there is this great big gaping hole in our lives and our hearts, and it is there because the lost one, of whatever species, was special, was dearly loved. And somehow it feels *right* that we should feel the absence so strongly.

(to reassure anyone who might get the wrong impression from the above: I lead a normal life with a husband and six children and lots of friends and interests - I don't sit around crying (though I did for the first few weeks after she died), there is just a sore spot in my heart, a feeling that someone is missing from my life. It is similar to the way I've felt my grandmother's absence since she died. For Morgana, when me moved I thought about how she'd have liked this house, when I'm lying in bed I still miss feeling her curl up against my legs, and so on. For Grammy, I hear her voice (no not her actual voice, just a memory), I think of the nachas she'd get from various stages of my kids' lives, of how sad she'd be that I'm not taking as many photographs as I used to, etc)

What a long, self-centered way to say that I'm thinking of you and... I guess I also wanted to say that big gaping hole is a measure of his importance in your life, of how very much you loved him... and every grief has its own timetable, you seem to be letting it be what it is, and I hope you're able to keep on doing so.

Take care of yourself,

Jan. 18th, 2008 11:51 am (UTC)
Thank you - those are some lovely thoughts. And I know exactly what you mean about your cat. Every loss is just that - a loss - and I don't think we ever completely recover, we just get used to it.

every grief has its own timetable

Jan. 18th, 2008 12:30 pm (UTC)
I completely agree about a timetable for grief. Let love just be what it is, and grief too.

It's too bad, in a way, that the good news about your photo had to come at a time when you couldn't enjoy it the way you might otherwise--but that's still a wonderful accomplishment.

I'm so sorry about how you must be missing Cholmondeley--nothing can replace a friend, human or otherwise.
Jan. 18th, 2008 04:41 pm (UTC)
I love the idea that some stranger will pick up a guide book and see a picture and say let's go there and will in that way be connected to you, unknown and far away, while walking among the mysterious lost. There's something meaningful there, something that connects up with Cholmondeley and that he came to you and that he had to go and that somewhere out there are other creatures, human and otherwise, that you will know, and others you won't and oh, I am like Prufrock: it is impossible to say just what I mean! It's something about the intersection of intention, desire, and chance.

On the subject of pets, as you know it's now been a year and a half since we had to let Rosa go, and I still wish I could have her back and have trouble settling for less. We've gotten to the point, though, where we can laugh when remembering the way she used to tear about the house, running like mad to nowhere in particular.

And thank you for your thought. (Also gritting my teeth for dept. meeting.)
Jan. 18th, 2008 04:56 pm (UTC)
The Peter Gabriel was meant for you, too. You probably know it, but the words seemed particularly apt.
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Jan. 18th, 2008 09:48 pm (UTC)
That would be fun! I'd like that.
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Jan. 19th, 2008 12:18 am (UTC)
I can't speak for K, but I'm pretty much free any evening. K is more restricted, because it depends on S's dad to be free. And she's pretty wired these days. Wait and see how she responds (or you could just cheer us up one at a time *grin*)
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Jan. 20th, 2008 01:12 am (UTC)
Weekend might be better for me. Would Friday or Saturday work? I'll ask S's dad when he's free.

I want to have a fuck-you-landlord film night in February too to say goodbye to what was once my much appreciated apartment. What do you think?
Jan. 23rd, 2008 03:45 am (UTC)
I'd just like to mention, sort of hesitantly, that the 28th is my birthday... I'd love it if we could all get together for that. It doesn't have to be on Monday, but one day over the weekend would be nice, in lieu.

Is the Bob Dylan movie out yet? I think it's out this week. Dinner and a movie would be a lovely way to celebrate my great age...
Jan. 23rd, 2008 04:11 am (UTC)
Yes, let's do something! Sorry, I knew it was Januaryish, but wasn't sure of the actual date and forgot to ask.

The Dylan movie has been out for OVER A WEEK and I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET (unbelievable!). There's still The Diving Bell and the Butterfly as well. Now that he won the best director golden globe, are you more interested?

But it's your party, you choose. I'm asking Paul ASAP if Sat. can be free. Do you prefer afternoon or evening? Should we have a meal out as well? (I can't stay out TOO late because it's my stepmother's bd party the next day.)
Jan. 23rd, 2008 05:17 am (UTC)
Saturday would be wonderful. And I'd really like the Dylan movie - dinner and a movie?? On Sat???? Would that work? I wouldn't mind Sat matinee movie, then dinner, if that works for you, K...
What fun :)

And I'd love it if the boys (Baz, Simon, Greg) could be included...
Jan. 19th, 2008 06:37 pm (UTC)
He was an important part of your life and of your family. The grief will come and go, and eventually be tucked away in a place you don't look at all the time, but the loss will still be there.

Congratulations on the photo - you have a great deal of talent.
( 14 comments — Leave a comment )


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