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Next Monday is my birthday, and tomorrow I'm going to celebrate with friends, and I'm really looking forward to it.

This past Wednesday, it was two years to the day that my mother died. I think we need to recognize and acknowledge these "death days" as well, even if it's only quietly, in our hearts. I'm saddened to realize that I don't remember what day it was when my father died, except I think it was the beginning of June.

I've been holding things together pretty well, even feeling pretty cheerful a bit of the time, but today a particularly perceptive friend at work asked me if I was okay and I nearly broke down. So I realized that I'm pretty much okay by dint of running faster than I can feel.

And that doesn't change the fact that I'm looking forward to tomorrow, and Monday, when I shall be 52 years old, and those who are going to celebrate with me tomorrow need not worry that I'll be sunk in gloom. I shan't.

I just needed to stop and feel for a moment. Then I'll move on.


( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 26th, 2008 04:48 am (UTC)
Hugs to you--I'm so glad you're going to celebrate and have fun,

I agree about those death days...and also uncertainty days. I've been feeling a bit down because my missing brother's birthday came and went a few days ago. he didn't call anyone for money . . . well, anyway, I sympathize.
Jan. 26th, 2008 05:07 am (UTC)
Thanks. I know what you mean about uncertainty days. When you just feel a little unsettled and you don't know quite why.

Hugs to you, too :)
Jan. 26th, 2008 05:04 am (UTC)
*hugs* Those anniversaries are hard. They've gotten easier for me after 10 years, but I still take them as a chance to remember my father fondly, and think about what I'd like to share with him if he were still here. And to be a little sad.

I don't think we (people in general give enough credit to letting yourself be sad now and then. As I tell my daughter, missing someone means you love (or loved) them a lot. Being sad about losing a loved one shows they were important to you, and that is a good thing.
Jan. 26th, 2008 05:08 am (UTC)
You're right. It seems sometimes that everyone thinks you should just be okay all the time. Sometimes it's okay NOT to be okay ... :) Sometimes you have to be just a little sad.

Hugs to you, too. and thanks :)
Jan. 26th, 2008 07:34 am (UTC)
I find that if I don't make time for those death days, then they tend to bite me in the rear end. It took me a while to learn to give my ghosts their due.

It's good to have fun.
Jan. 26th, 2008 03:29 pm (UTC)
I think I'm learning both those things, slowly :)
Jan. 26th, 2008 02:39 pm (UTC)
Kindness often penetrates barriers which brusqueness can't affect. I know it's usually a kind word that brings me to tears currently.

Grief has its own pace and its own agenda, and two years isn't very long compared to fifty. Things do get a bit more manageable.

Have a really good day tomorrow and on Monday.
Jan. 26th, 2008 03:28 pm (UTC)
Kindness often penetrates barriers which brusqueness can't affect.


And thank you - I will, I'm sure.
Jan. 26th, 2008 05:21 pm (UTC)
I am looking forward to your birthday celebration. I have this feeling it shall strike quite the right note. I wonder if we shall be taken for mother and aunt again. :)

I also wonder if it was on Wednesday that I felt you weren't doing well. I was about to ask and then felt that it wouldn't be a good idea, with the door open to the hall. You seemed fragile, like a cup mended but not yet dried.
Jan. 26th, 2008 05:37 pm (UTC)
Ha. Yes, it probably was Wednesday most of all, but that seems to describe my current state quite well - my glue isn't quite dry! Yesterday it was dear Timbits, giving me a very sharp look and asking "are you _okay_?" making me realize that I wasn't, quite. But I'm getting there. And I'm definitely up for today. Kathy's coming, too - at least for dinner, maybe not for the movie. So that's cool. I think she'll enjoy all the company, and she's very easy-going and interesting herself. I'm glad. And there'll be three of us middle-aged spinster aunts to the three "young-uns" (my friend Marian always refers to herself as a "funky spinster" so I don't think of it as particularly derogatory)
(Deleted comment)
Jan. 26th, 2008 08:08 pm (UTC)
Thank you! (for all the sentiments expressed there *g*)
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )


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