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Adjusting. Or Not.

I need to update my profile page, but I can't bear to erase "one superior feline."

I miss her. A lot. When I went down in the basement to do laundry today, there was the little nest she had in the blankets beside the washer. I kept expecting to see her. In the morning, I wait for her to come out mewing for her breakfast.

In a few days, I'll get another little earthenware pot with her ashes in it. I'm getting quite a collection of them. Mandy's is on a shelf in the kitchen and looks as if it might be sugar, or flour. Cholmondeley's is in my bedroom. I have to decide what to do with the ashes. My feeling is that Clio was probably more attached to the place than to me, and would probably like to be under a rose bush where it'll be sunny and safe. But I can't be sure. She liked being near me. The best time was before my mum died, and I used to work in the room that is now my bedroom. She was able to jump up to a shelf over my desk, and used to love lying there while I worked. She would be all relaxed, pretending to sleep, but always with one eye a little bit open so that she knew where I was and what I was doing. I wish that she and Robinson had gotten along better. Sometimes, she'd come out when he was there and rub her head under his chin and he would lick her face and everyone would be happy, but I don't think they could ever really be good friends.

And I'm not really sure about Robinson, either. Sometimes he seems happy, and at other times he seems to want to be anywhere but near me. I think of Cholmondeley, who could never bear to be more than about 5 feet from me. I would feel his eyes on me where ever I was. I think sometimes that Robinson would be perfectly happy alone on a hillside, the wind blowing through his fur, gazing off into the distance. He doesn't really want to be a house dog, I think. Yet I think he'd like me to be around somewhere, just not too close.

But then. He's just come into the study and settled down at my feet.

Comments

( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
asakiyume
Sep. 15th, 2008 05:50 am (UTC)
Robinson just loves you in a different way from Cholmondeley... our dog Molly is like Robinson, skittish about affection, and yet devoted in her way.

I'm very sorry that another of your companions has died. ((hugs))
intertext
Sep. 15th, 2008 06:32 pm (UTC)
Thank you *hugs* And you're right, of course.
alecto23
Sep. 15th, 2008 07:05 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your Clio. She sounds like she was a beautiful, loving cat.
intertext
Sep. 15th, 2008 06:31 pm (UTC)
Thank you. She was.
pennyshire
Sep. 15th, 2008 10:51 am (UTC)
Gosh this was a good post...so swelled with feeling.

We have two dogs. One of them is cuddly ALL of the time...MUST be right next to us no matter what. The other one seems to loathe affection. We have to "catch" her and force her to sit on our laps if we want some closeness with her. She will tolerate it for a bit, but then she struggles free and shakes it off. But she also follows our every step, so I guess it's just her way. My point is that I guess some dogs are just more independent, and I'm sure Robinson is the same.

Your description of the laundry room without Clio was so sad. I know your heart feels truly empty right now. It would be a good time for Robinson to give you some cuddle-time....dagnabbit!
intertext
Sep. 15th, 2008 03:41 pm (UTC)
Heh - you're right. And yet he can be very sensitive. He grieved terribly when my mum died, more than Cholmondeley, who was ostensibly closer to her (she would have been astonished!). When I came home on Thursday, he seemed to sense that I needed him not to jump all over me and demand to be walked. He licked the hand that had been stroking Clio and touched me softly with his nose (all of which I'm probably hideously anthropomorphising his being curious because he could probably smell sick cat... no matter). On our walk on Saturday, he was cheerful and attentive - being a steadfast companion on adventures is what Robinson does best :)
(Deleted comment)
intertext
Sep. 15th, 2008 06:25 pm (UTC)
*hugs* back :)
lidocafe has very kindly offered to pick them up for me. She did that for Cholmondeley's, and then held me while I sobbed over them in the car. I think I feel a little stronger about these ones, and we shall see if I can manage it. I still have to pay the vets, too - they kindly let me go without paying on Thurs, so probably I should do that when I pick up the ashes. But it's nice to know that Ms Lido is there if I need her :)

At least they're nice urns. They're all from the same place, and they match. And actually kind of go with the colours I like to have around me, so that's good. Mandy's is a pretty small jar. I think Clio's will be even smaller...
arian
Sep. 15th, 2008 05:42 pm (UTC)
When our dog, Molly, was cremated, we put her in a pot and planted a bush in it that had blue flowers. She had one blue eye that always stood out at you so it seemed appropriate. Bizarrely, we later put my nan in there with her, since my nan loved to sit and talk to Moplly-in-the-pot that seemed like it was appropriate too. I think she would've liked that idea.
Whatever you do, try and find something particular to each one - something that will raise a smile when you think of it.
intertext
Sep. 15th, 2008 06:30 pm (UTC)
In a pot with a plant!! That's a good idea. I've been fretting about putting any of my animals in my garden in case I move eventually. Cholmondely's going to be scattered whereever I am, because that's what he would want, but that's an excellent solution for Clio. I can put her in the garden now, where she liked to hang out, but take her with me if I move! Yay.
lidocafe
Sep. 16th, 2008 01:44 am (UTC)
I also like the idea of a pot. Even though she's only nine and hopefully still with me for a while, losing my other cat when she was so young has made me try to imagine losing Ruby. I can't quite do it, but I have thought about putting her in a pot with one of the plants she wasn't allowed to eat and saying, There, it's finally yours!

Regarding her being more attached to the place than to you, well, I think some of us underestimate cat's attachments to people. Maybe they're not as likely to follow people, but one can be attached and not needy. That's why those cat and dog cliches have never seemed convincing to me. I think it's more that a cat inhabits your space the way another person would. They think their homes are theirs as much as they are ours, and they know parts of the home that we hardly notice, so you're right that where she is important. But I guarantee that she loved you, specifically you, as you did her.
brinian
Sep. 16th, 2008 07:57 pm (UTC)
I have 'memory boxes' where the animals' personal things go: collars, special toy, a bit of their coat. I have a friend whose husband can make a box however I want it so I generally have him make one that can hold a picture of the animal in the lid. Then the special items are inside and the box can go in the cabinet with the special ribbons and other animal things. The ashes are less important to me because I hold them more in my heart than in a physical setting. The memory box is there if I feel the need to hold a piece of them...collars always seem so personal for some reason...they probably soak up the animal's aura or something!
intertext
Sep. 17th, 2008 02:35 am (UTC)
Thanks. That's a very nice idea...

( 12 comments — Leave a comment )

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